One of the most common reasons older couples get into sexless marriages is when they’ve let some old hurt, or anger that’s never been resolved run their love life.
One woman actually said some version of “If I forgive him for what he did (many years earlier, he’d not taken her side in a messy extended family eruption) he’ll just get away with it. It’s just not fair.”
So, she wasn’t going to forgive him, but kept bringing it up at every opportunity.
This couldn’t be going on at your house could it?
Maybe not the same transgression, but a hurt nonetheless. One that is unforgivable?
Here’s the deal.
It is understandable that she was hurt and angry. What he did was not what any of us would want.
And yet, her making life miserable for years over the situation is probably not what most of us would want either. They’d reached an impasse in their relationship. Of course they’d stopped making love many years ago.
When I asked them what is holding them together, they each said they loved the other. She just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, “forgive” him. And, could seem to stop herself from bringing it up.
They spoke wistfully of their relationship before the incident, how loving and close they were. How important sex was to each of them and their relationship. And were frustrated they were stuck at odds with one another.
He couldn’t undo what he’d done. She wouldn’t go forward until he did.
Her being unwilling to forgive him, or let it go, until he went back and changed the past was unreasonable. It just didn’t make sense, or move them towards reconciliation.
It’s a prime example of what I call the corollary to the new definition of insanity. You know the new definition: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
The corollary is similar: Believing if you rant and rave, yell, scream, and complain long enough and loud enough to enough people, something in the past will change.
The sad fact is, you can’t change the past. As much as you’d like to. You can only go on with what has happened.
But, you can think about deciding if it is something you can let go of, for more pleasure and peace now.
Notice I didn’t say forgive, but let go of.
And then, make a recommittment to what you will hold each other to now.
Or decide it was just too much to forgive/let go of and you need to move on. Either will move your towards resolve the impasse you’ve gotten yourself into.
This is not simple work. But to not do it leads you into a relationship that mirrors Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe. If you saw that movie, you’ll never forget it.
Two people using a past event to destroy their marriage, their health and their lives, and unable to find a way around it. It is an American tragedy that gets played out in many homes today.
You can’t get away from making a decision on how to go forward. To do so is a classic case of “not to decide is to decide not to change.”
Getting in this kind of an impasse in your relationship has a devastation impact.
Your love life withers, or starts to be come a battle. And, you both lose.
If this is you and your honey, time for some hard thinking, and facing what is going on. Most couples find it is time for getting some help. While you may think this is a sexual problem, it’s really a relationship issue.
They don’t go away by themselves.
Learn more about how you might have gotten into and how you can get past sexless marriages and back to good love’n by claiming your copy of my complimentary audio program. Just click here===>
http:satisfyingseniorsex.com/audio
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